Tolerating the Truth
We all love the saying, when people show you who they are, believe them.
It’s logical. It “makes sense.”
But in practice, it’s not so easy.
The truth is that when people show us who they are, we struggle.
We refuse to believe them because doing so means we have to face the feelings their truth brings up within us about ourselves.
I used to see this all the time with the couples I worked with, and I did it myself for a really long time, too.
I think about a partner I had who was himself from the start. And he was consistent, too.
But I didn’t believe him so I tried to change him.
I had my own ideas of who I thought he should be. I tried to coach him on how to fulfill my fantasy of him, and would then get mad at him when he didn’t change 🤣
Intolerance for other people’s truth doesn’t always look this way, though.
You might withdraw, get angry, or try to change yourself to bring to life your fantasies of others.
But what’s really driving these responses are feelings of inadequacy, being unlovable, not enough, or that there’s something wrong with you.
The actions are simply a way to turn down the intensity on those feelings or prove them wrong altogether.
With this partner, I was trying to prove, to myself perhaps, that I was who I thought I was.
I had an unchecked belief that if my partner wasn’t who I wanted him to be, it meant that I had chosen wrong. That my picker was off. And if my picker was off, then I couldn’t possibly be “the strong womxn with the good head on her shoulders” because those types of womxn don’t choose wrong.
We only do the “right” things.
Needless to say, the relationship didn’t work out, but I realized how little tolerance I had for other people’s truths because I hadn’t yet built the capacity to hold my own.
What if you didn’t take someone’s truth personally, but rather courageously acknowledged the hidden, often erroneous, belief about yourself that their behavior is forcing you to see?
To do this without losing your center, you need a strong sense of self and inner safety.
It’s the embodied knowing of who you are, that someone else’s inner world, experiences, or decisions say nothing about you even if, and especially, when it hurts.
It’s being so rooted in who you are that what other people choose to do doesn’t shake that knowing, even if it makes you feel sad, uncomfortable, or scared.
If you find yourself unable or struggling to tolerate your partner’s, friend’s or family member’s truth and personhood, here’s what I recommend:
Ask yourself what you think someone’s truth says about you. If you say “nothing,” or find yourself blaming or talking about the other person, pause and try again.
Don’t judge yourself. Don’t give a polished or sanitized answer based on what you read in a self-help book. This is not a quiz, this is your life.
Embrace courageous self-reflection. Once you've identified what someone's truth triggers in you, explore that revelation deeply. This will require you to face parts of yourself you may have been avoiding (ie. your wisdom-filled shadows 🙂).
The goal isn't to immediately change these deep-seated beliefs, but to see yourself fully and clearly. This builds the foundation for a stronger sense of self that isn't easily shaken by others' behaviors or choices.
Cultivate self-compassion: As you bravely face the truths about yourself that others' actions trigger, it's crucial to approach this process with kindness and compassion towards yourself.
You’re not excusing behavior or avoiding growth, you’re treating yourself with the same kindness you'd offer a good friend because you deserve that always.
I personally love to look at myself in the mirror and offer words of kindness or practice physical self-soothing like laying in Ananda Balasana (“happy baby”) or Viparita Karani (“legs up the wall” pose). These are simple ways to activate your body's caregiving response.
Human relationships and self-perception are complex AF.
Give yourself a lot of grace and be anchored in the legacy you want to have. Hold on to that when you want to flip a table or two, and remember that if you’re struggling it’s because you’re trying, and if you’re trying it’s because you’re hopeful.
May we stay hopeful even in the struggle.
I’m rooting for you.
Your big sis,
Josie